Brexit (breaking up) is hard to do – Parallels with Divorce – Part 1

Brexit (breaking up) is hard to do – Parallels with Divorce – Part 1

24thJune 2016 – The day I learned a separation was inevitable.

I knew, when I woke up that day that things had changed forever.  Sure, we hadn’t separated legally or financially at that time but I knew our relationship was over. I had no choice than to leave you. It was over.

I also knew there was so much to sort out. What was that feeling?  Bewilderment? Fear? Regret? Excitement? A new future…almost in reach?  Confusion? Sadness? All of it…

Sure, our relationship was far from harmonious – some people didn’t even know we were on the rocks. When the end did finally come, we were as shocked as everyone else. [Guardian, UK votes to leave after dramatic night divides nation]

Initially perhaps I was still in denial. Couldn’t we still make it work? What about all the good times – all the things that we have in common. Our fisheries! Our agricultural policy! Maybe it was just a phase.  Maybe we could still change our minds [BBC News, Brexit Ruling: UK can cancel decision, EU court says].

Maybe with third party help, we could get through. We did try to renegotiate our terms, to fix what was broken. But you just couldn’t change. [The Independent, What Cameron wanted – and what he really got]

It’s tough that only one of us made the call to break up, and it’s fair to say that this has made reaching a divorce agreement a slow and painful process.  Our lives have been intertwined for so long that it’s hard to picture going it alone. I’m scared. I don’t have a choice now as I’ve made the decision. I can’t turn back.  I’m nervous yet I’m making myself feel better with thoughts of a clean break, new opportunities, and a fresh start. No more shared responsibilities… the freedom to make new relationships – it’s all in sight! Or is it?

We are still so entangled. We live and work so close to each other that we’ll still have to be neighbours, and cross each other’s paths a lot. Sure, we’ll put the kids first and share custody. Our financial responsibilities to each other still have to be fulfilled [Financial Times, Brexit Divorce Deal]. We’ve made contributions to each other in different ways over the years. It doesn’t end just because I have stopped loving you

But maybe it’s better this way. Staying at arms’ reach. Over time, perhaps our relationship will flourish with a new mutual respect for each other. We’ll have space. We can spend time with other people. After all, I’ve always considered myself a ‘free trade agreement’ kind of a guy [David Davis in Conservative Home].

Yet I worry that this isn’t going to be the clean break I thought I wanted. We like the same things. I stopped loving you but we like doing a lot of the same stuff. What if we still want to go to the same places on holiday?  Can I still use your parents’ house in St Tropez? Can we make these things work even if we are not together? [Independent, Brexit Travel Advice]

Perhaps we should let the lawyers sort it out. I feel safer letting them take control, but it is expensive and I am worried I won’t be fully in control of the decision making process. I’ve heard such good things about dispute resolution options. It doesn’t have to be hostile. We can learn a thing or two about @ResFamilyLaw (www.resolution.org.uk) approach to conflict resolution. Should we mediate (www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk)?

Okay. So now we’re talking. We are looking at options and we are striking a deal. The negotiations have been long and hard. I feel worn out. I started out so tough yet now… everything you’re asking for… maybe you should just have it. Okay, I’ll admit it. I do feel a sense of culpability, leaving you like this. When we initially sat down and wrote a budget together, I was part of the household [Financial Times, Brexit Divorce Deal].  I know my responsibilities and I am prepared to deliver. For the next few years I’ll still have to contribute my share as if I had never left. And I’ll give a lump sum too, just for good measure. I have to make amends. I feel it’s all my fault.

But now there’s a backlash. My family aren’t happy. They say I’ve given too much away! Everyone is rejecting our deal. My Irish family are threatening to walk out, [The Guardian, DUP Threaten Sabotage] even though I’ve paid their bills for the next 5 years. But the house will fall down without their support… I need them to keep up the numbers, or it’s just me and the kids [BBC, Hung Parliament].

My financial planner says I’ll be poorer without you, and there’s much uncertainty ahead [Evening Standard,Britain will be poorer].  But there’s no turning back: I’ve made up my mind.

Time has passed. It is taking too long, we couldn’t come to an agreement and asked the court to decide. It’s cost me so much so far and I know there is more to come but we just don’t seem to be able to come to an agreement.  I’m told this is the ‘only’ way if we can’t agree and yet I am still so scared. I feel helpless and at sea. I’ve taken a path and I have to follow it.

The day of final judgment looms.  If we don’t reach an agreement by 21stJanuary [Financial Times, Brexit Timeline] the court will decide. I’m told that neither of us are bound to be happy if we have to get someone else to decide for us.  No one said this was going to be easy [BBC News, EU Trade deal ‘easiest in human history’ says Fox].

I feel we have to get back to the negotiating able. Is it too late? Could we try another face-to-face meeting to try and salvage something? [CNN, EU tells May the deal is not up for renegotiation] That’s got to be a lot better than someone making a final decision for us.

Is it too late to try another process like arbitration www.ifla.org.uk? My advisors tell me it’s the future of conflict resolution when all else has failed. So much more efficient than court, all the technical skills, nowhere near the cost and a speedy decision that we both have to abide by. Why didn’t we try that sooner to save all this pain and cost?

I’m a mess. I’m broke. It’s cost me so much. I felt in charge and now I don’t know which way to turn.

Why won’t you answer my calls?

Obstacles to Moving on

Obstacles to Moving on

You’re in an unhappy place and you don’t know what to do. The relationship isn’t working. You’ve grown apart and you want different things. You’ve tried counselling. You’ve tried talking. You’ve argued a lot. You know you don’t feel the same way towards him/ her like you used to, yet you still don’t know if it’s the right thing to make the break. You’re at a cross roads, (in some cases a spaghetti junction). Your mind is a scramble and nothing seems right.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

It’s not unusual to find yourself facing obstacles to ‘moving on’. We, us humans, are complex creatures. Our psychological make up is defined by our experiences as children, which inform, influence, and shape and underpin our behaviours as adults. We live and learn (most of the time) from our observations, our experiences, and our mistakes. We manage constant decisions of an everyday nature and as we navigate through challenges in our work, family life, and our friendships. None of us are the same. We have unique DNA. Yet, it’s right to say that we all face similar emotions when faced with similar lifetime challenges and crises.

This article is about distilling the challenges to separation to help you understand where you are in your journey and help pave a clearer pathway for you.

Obstacle 1 ‘For the sake of the kids’

The kids are the most important thing to you. You don’t want to let them down. You think it might be better for them if you put your needs to one side, and wait until they are older before making the break.

Every family is different. Waiting might be the right thing to do. It’s also not unusual to find that many kids can welcome – indeed cope well with- a separation. Kids are like sponges, they watch adults’ behaviours and mimic them. They might feel sad at their parents separating but generally they find that they can be happy, in two homes filled with love than one home filled with tension. Children can take responsibility for their parents’ unhappiness, and might try to blame themselves. If the separation is handled mindfully and sensitively, your kids are likely to come out of it all a whole lot happier than if you stay together in a toxic and unhealthy dynamic. And, let’s not beat about the bush, kids might also welcome the benefits – another home, a double sets of presents, holidays, etc.

Obstacle 2 ‘Oh but the guilt’

You’re the one who had/ is having an affair. You know the marriage was broken before you met someone else, but he / she doesn’t see it like that. They thought everything was ‘fine’.  But it wasn’t ‘fine’, how can they say it was ‘fine’? It was miserable, loveless, sexless, without affection and you know you couldn’t go on any more like that. Yet…. you still feel to blame. You feel bad for the hurt you caused. You want to make it better. You know you probably can’t plaster this over. The wound is deep. But you will try.

This obstacle can manifest in how you deal with the divorce. In some cases the ‘wrong doer’ is burdened with a sense of guilt and wants to ‘do right’. This might mean you want to be more generous in the financial settlement. It’s understandable. You are human, after all. However the divorce court does not penalise the ‘one who had the affair’. The court separates the finances from the reasons for the divorce. It is only in exceptionally rare cases that behaviour in a marriage will affect the financial outcome.

Obstacle 3 – The fear

Ugh, the fear of the unknown. Very few people relish uncertainty.  You don’t know what to expect. You don’t know where you will live, how often you will see the kids, whether you can afford ‘all this’. You might think that doing nothing and living with what you’ve got is better than taking the big step into the unknown. But you also know you can’t carry on as you are.

You’re afraid of letting people down. Your parents are in strong lifelong committed relationship and how can you possibly tell them you are separating from your partner. You’re probably terrified. You might feel ashamed.

You are not alone. These feelings are entirely normal. Uncertainty can be managed by getting legal advice to know what your rights are and to give you a better idea of what to expect. Moving on doesn’t mean you are letting people down or that you should feel ashamed. It means you are human and you care about these things. Don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you from moving on.

Obstacle 4 – Time

It has been said “time heals all wounds”. “Time is the longest distance between two places”. It is true! You’re hurting but you’re fed up of being told that time will heal your wounds. It’s a platitude that’s easy to dish out along with ‘let’s have a cup of tea’.  Yet you don’t always want sympathy and this can grate. You know you need time for the wounds to heal and then you can move on, but you want it to happen NOW.

So, this is natural.  Yes, pain is hard and you want the pain to go away. But the five stages of grief make up our learning to come to terms with what’s happened and the loss we feel. You need to let them take their course. You may have moved on from the denial stage, or the anger, the bargaining, and the depression. You might even be moving into the acceptance stage but boy is this taking a long time. One friend of mine took a year to hit the social scene after a painful break up, preferring to stay home alone in front of the TV and wood burner, than face the bright lights and loud music of the city’s singles and bar scene. The first time she went ‘out out’, she said felt like a rabbit in the headlights, and bolted back to the safety of her home to lick her wounds. You see, it WAS too soon for her. Yes! She needed TIME.  Give yourself time. Don’t rush this. Go at your own pace.

Or perhaps you simply don’t have the time it dedicate to working out how and when to separate… You are ‘just too busy’….. The kids must come first. You’ve got the christening of the best man’s baby daughter as well as Aunt Joan’s second wedding coming up and you really should put on a united front for that.

The thing is – there is probably no good time to separate. Are you putting off the inevitable? Or will time give you the chance to work out what is the right thing to do. Only you know the answer to that but perhaps a good starting point is to get some discrete advice from someone who knows about these things and who can help.

Divorce lawyers – we have a bad press but a lot of us really do care about our clients. We don’t assume you’ve come to see us about a divorce. The first thing we ask is “how can I help” and the second is “do you want to save your marriage”.

Obstacle 5 – Money

Every family is different. Many families simply cannot afford to rent 2 homes or live in 2 homes. There might not be enough to go around. “We can’t afford a divorce”. Arguably it depends on what you consider to be ’cost’. The potential damage to your physical health, mental health, and your children by staying in an unhappy marriage has a cost. Is this is a cost you want to pay?

The thought of legal fees may also be scary. Many lawyers offer discounted rates for first meeting. There are pro bono centres offering legal advice such as CAB (www.citizensadvice.org.uk) and local Law Centres. In Cambridge there is the Anglia Law School Law Clinic (www.anglia.ac.uk) and in Norwich there is Norfolk Community Law Service (www.ncls.co.uk)

Legal aid is no longer available, other than in more exceptional cases and mediation.

How about DIY? Did you know that in 2018 the government introduced an online FREE divorce portal called ‘Get a Divorce’ and which can be found at www.gov.uk/apply-for-divorce? You’ll still need to pay the (rather hefty) court fee – currently £550 but low income earners can apply for a reduction on that fee.

Finances and children may also need to be sorted out. You will be well advised to get advice and representation for that. Yet, the more you and your spouse can agree between you, the less the costs will be. Many lawyers are happy to work on a ‘pay-as-you-go’ basis or what is known as ‘unbundled’ in the trade. Seeing a divorce lawyer is not a conveyor belt to a contested expensive divorce. Yes, in some cases the costs can be eye watering but there might be good reasons for that. Most cases can be settled out of court using lawyers, using mediation (www.familymedationcouncil.org.uk) and for those that need more formality there is also arbitration (www.ifla.org.uk).

Obstacle 6 – Letting go

It’s really hard to let go of something that was once so precious and special…. So familiar comfortable, natural.  But it’s part of the rite of passage to the future and to help you move on. It’s hard to let go of the hopethat you had for your future. To realign your expectation that life is going to look very different to how you envisaged. You know, give yourself time, get good advice, and surround yourself with those who love you.  The future could be a lot brighter than you think it might be.

If you think we can help you overcome the obstacles to moving on, get in touch.

FM Family Law

A Good Marriage

A Good Marriage

It’s ‘Good Divorce Week’ 26 -30 November 2018. What does this mean? Well, this week the professional family law community of Resolution  – some 6500 members strong-  are reaffirming their beliefs in a constructive and non-confrontational approach to supporting couples in marriage breakdown.

FM Family Law would like to think that we approach every week as a good divorce week, but how great is it that the professional community are spreading the good work of Resolution family lawyers with these initiatives.

A Good Divorce…..?

Well, we will write about that another time. But it’s made us think about what actually makes a ‘good’ marriage?

Our combined years as family lawyers have taught us many relationship lessons. Not just in terms of break ups: some of the most fulfilling cases we’ve worked on are those where couples have worked hard to address their differences and have come out of the other side, together, a bit bruised, but stronger.

Michelle Obama’s Memoir ‘Becoming’ was released last week. Through the perspective of a high profile, enduring marriage, we thought we would take a look at some relationship lessons.

Lesson 1 – Dont be afraid to get counselling

Michelle Obama recently revealed that her and Barack have undergone counseling to address issues in their marriage.  Just like the rest of us, one of the most high profile and successful marriages on the planet needs work, too:

“I want [young people] to know that Michelle and Barack Obama — who have a phenomenal marriage and who love each other — we work on our marriage and we get help with our marriage when we need it.”

[Time November 9, 2018 time.com/5450376/michelle-obama-marriage-counseling]

When we approach counselling we tend to feel that we are most certainly right, and that the process will leave us vindicated. But the therapist is not going to take sides. Instead, talking to a trained third party during marriage difficulties can “unlock the rigid and inflexible mind-set that each partner may have about the other, or the relationship. It facilitates a discussion that can remind partners of the positive reasons they first came together.”

[couples counsellor David James Lees in www.telegraph.co.uk/family/relationships/really-happens-divorce-counselling-does-really-work

Lesson 2 – Self-fulfillment

Many of us enter into a marriage with romantic preconceptions. ‘He/She will complete me’ and ‘We will share everything’. But in reality, nothing is shared down the middle; professional, family and romantic life is a balancing act, and we often neglect our own needs. Depending on your spouse for fulfillment is not sustainable: we need to instead look to them for support.

Through couples counseling, Michelle Obama writes,

“What I learned about myself was that my happiness was up to me and I started working out more, I started asking for help, not just from him but from other people,” Obama said. “I stopped feeling guilty.”

[Bustle.com  November 13, 2018 www.bustle.com/p/michelle-obama-opened-up-about-going-to-marriage-counseling-heres-why-thats-so-important-13126845]

Lesson 3 – Maintain strong relationships with family and friends

Indeed, marriage should be your primary relationship, but not your only one. [Dr Coontz in ‘For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage www.foryourmarriage.org/blogs/for-better-how-the-surprising-science-of-happy-couples-can-help-your-marriage-succeed

Scientific studies have proven that having strong relationships outside the marriage increases the chances that the marriage will last. Simply put, making fewer emotional demands of a spouse strengthen a marriage. The happiest couples have interests and support ‘beyond the twosome’.

Having an extended circle of help in family life is invaluable when it comes to bringing up kids. Michelle Obama speaks of her realisation that she was not going to have a conventional marriage, and that her husband would be away much of the time. Combining forces with her mother for school pickups, and creating close ties to community and workplace parents they  ‘banded into a kind of intergenerational urban kibbutz, a collective that shared meals and carpools and weekend activities.’  [‘The Obamas’ Marriage by Jodi Kantor in The New York Times, October 16 2009 https://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/magazine/01Obama-t.html]

‘I needed the support’ she writes, but it didn’t necessarily need to be from her husband.  In negotiating the spaces of personal ambition and family life, relationships outside of the marriage are a structural force helping to hold the central partnership together.

Lesson 4 – Have fun together

It’s easy to take each other for granted once the honeymoon stage is over. But a relationship built upon the foundations of a good friendship can withstand the test of time,

‘In our house we don’t take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage’  [Time, January 19 2017, http://time.com/4639410/michelle-obama-best-quotes/]

In essence then the Obamas try not to ‘sweat the small stuff’ – giving each other a ‘hall pass’ for small indiscretions such as leaving laundry on the floor or occasionally being late for dinner. Instead they schedule time as a couple to have a good laugh. Despite scheduling challenges they took up a new hobby whilst at the White House – playing tennis together – and often joked at their mutual lack of skill. These kinds of activities can be an effective outlet for couples: you’re on opposing sides, but ultimately you have the same aim. Just like any other friendship, obstacles will beset a marriage, and finding the right outlet can give you a both a fresh perspective.

Lesson 5 – Take the long lens view

At different stages of a marriage we are faced with hard decisions in prioritising whose needs come first. This is often the case when one of the party to the marriages faces a cross roads, such as taking a career break, or pressing pause on career progression, eg to bring up small children.

When relationships fall apart we have often come to a sense that we have embarked on separate journeys, where our personal needs and goals are no longer linked to the goals that we once shared. Although the balance often shifts, Michelle Obama reminds us that

‘The equality of any partnership “is measured over the scope of the marriage. It’s not just four years or eight years or two,” the first lady said. “We’re going to be married for a very long time.” [‘The Obamas’ Marriage by Jodi Kantor in The New York Times, October 16 2009 https://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/magazine/01Obama-t.html]

There are currently an estimated 3 million people in the UK whose marriages are struggling. What lessons resonate with you if you’re facing a crisis in your marriage?

 

 

FM Family Law (with thanks to Michelle Obama for her inspirational  and aspirational approach to marriage)

27 November 2018